From the archives… 4/10/2009

I continue to go back through old writing, certainly not to re-live painful old times or to travel back in any way.  I’m in search of those parts of my life and the words that I wrote at various times that might be important parts of my book; The Road to Happyville.

Here’s one I rediscovered today.

Yesterday a settlement was reached and the lawyers are drafting the final documents. In two weeks, the divorce will be final.

I celebrated with one small glass of single malt scotch, great conversation – love and support.

Today, despite a restful night’s sleep, I woke up exhausted.  I wondered if it was a couple of later than usual nights in a row, but realized that I was not only tired but felt as if I’d been run over by a truck.

A single word floated through my mind… AFTERMATH.  Of course!  At this moment, other than those last signatures, we are done.  Completed.  And my body, mind and spirit at once felt the drain that the last year has been.

Later in the day I spoke with a dear friend of 20+ years who had held the light for me long before I knew that there was even a light to hold.  A woman of great wisdom, strength, intelligence and compassion.  As I shared the good news- the tears once again made their way to the surface.  More and more gut wrenching sobs, like the ones that were common a year ago when I began the divorce.

But the voice on the line reminded me of the load that I had carried. Parts of it since childhood, other parts for decades- the need to walk my walk with confidence- to be open and honest about who I am and where I am going- but to be outwardly strong, perhaps a bit TOO insistent that ‘it’s all good’, ‘I’m great!’.  I was reminded that it was a long and heavy train I was dragging- and that NOW was the time to see what parts needed to be set aside- to lighten the load from my back.

I’ve grown to respect the truth that if you listening, your questions will be answered.  That when you are ready, the teacher will appear.

Every step of the last 5-years has been shaped by those who have been put on my path, some to walk with me, some to walk away from me,  others to ask wonderful questions- still others to lead me to the wisdom and answers that I already possess.

As I hung up the phone, I knew that the tears that filled my eyes were only the tip of the supply-  with the Mozart Requiem playing in my ears, I made work of blessing and releasing- of acknowledging the need to make my burden lighter and asked for help in setting down all the parts that will not be with me on the next part of the trip.

I climbed in bed- blankets to my chin, pillows over and under my head, with Mozart’s incredible work in my ears- and I sobbed and released and dreamed of how light I was going to feel when I woke up.

My new life has begun, the old life fades from view. I have no need or desire to go back, to dwell on what was or might have been. 

May the bright and happy times stay with me always, may the rest fade from view… forever, but I pray the lessons learned will help me each day for the rest of my life.

That the cast of characters in my life changes day-by-day. Some who I ‘knew’ would provide loving support have disappointed. Others who have only been in the distant background have proven to be wise old friends.

But the category that pleases me the most are the new people, both men and women who have crossed my path in a variety of ways.

People who from almost the first instant have shown themselves to be huge, important parts of my 2nd 1/2.

There is no room in my belief system to allow that it was just my lucky good fortune to have them walk-in at the perfect moments.

People who ‘get me’ who see in me, something more than I’ve ever allowed myself to see when I look in the mirror.

While 55 years of habit and conditioning do not disappear overnight, I see a different person when I look in the mirror and probably for the 1st time- I can honestly say that I’m beginning to like what I see.

The light bulbs that come on now on a regular basis, Illuminate the illusion I used to hold as true.  I see now that in the past, I doubted the sincerity of a compliment or acknowledgement of a job well done because it was largely the opposite of what I held as my truth for many interior and exterior voices had worn away my belief in myself, and had helped me paint a very limited, distorted, damaged picture of who I was.

Now I’m starting on new canvas and with the help of many keen observers- and a commitment to myself to see the REAL me, as I redefine my new life, I’m learning to trust.. myself and others as they hold up the mirror to show me who I really am.

I will be grateful for the rest of my life to these reality based angels.

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