Wasting Away on the Ocean

 

Like so many people I know, I’ve spent much of my life defining myself by what I do for a living. Judging myself based primarily on what I manage to ‘accomplish’ on any given day. So busy has been my normal state, and if I’m not busy, I start to twitch.
That, on quite a few levels, has worked well enough for me. It allowed me to build a successful real estate business and is helping me build my Hypnotherapy Practice. That drive also compelled me to serve on industry related committees, boards of directors and in various positions in the church I (occasionally) attend.
Over the last 5-years, there’s been a new part of my annual schedule that has been both wonderful and also twitch inducing. Beth and I now spend February and March in a condo on the Atlantic Ocean on Hutchinson Island Florida. It is lovely! It is beautiful! To have morning coffee or evening cocktails overlooking the always changing, always powerful, always beautiful ocean, is remarkable.
I’ve known for a very long time that I never feel as close and connected to my source as I do in the presence of large water. It doesn’t matter if it is Lake Michigan, the Atlantic or the Pacific… I’m at home. I’m able to have conversations with whomever I talk to in those times, that are unlike any other conversation I have in a different location.
That’s the wonderful part. The twitch enters the picture when the lack of structure collides with my DNA induced need to be busy and productive. I can put my feet up and read a good novel for a while. I can even watch re-runs of TV shows for a time. But I reach the point fairly soon, where I want to DO something. To produce something… to take some regular steps toward whatever goal is near the top of the current list.
So it is that need that has me sitting on the patio of a Starbucks this morning, banging away on my IPad keyboard.
It has been almost 10-years since I got the urge to write. It started with journals. Lots and lots of journals. Then gradually with starts and stops, graduated to Blogging. 1st in the Real Estate sector, now more in a ‘tales from the journey’ sort of way.
I have frustrated myself greatly due to my lack of actual progress in this area. I write things, read them and hit the delete key. I sit down to write and am hit with the question I’ve come to find is common for authors… the question of “what do I possibly have to say that anyone would want to read?”
But my inner guidance, and some consultations with friends, and coaches have assured me that there are books to write, and that they are (mostly) patiently waiting for me to sit down, to become quiet and to make a committment, and then to allow the words to flow through me to the page.
This is likely no different than any number of experiences I’ve wrestled with over the decades. The tug toward stepping out of the carefully crafted box I’ve kept myself in, for a lot of reasons (not all of them valid). Then the internal discussion about the reasons why I should go for it, with the counter-conversation of all the reasons it’s a bad idea.
Intellectually, I know and believe that the only real limits I have, are the limits I place on myself, or to a much lesser degree, allow others in my life to place upon me. But with that group, it is still my choice to accept the suggested limit as my own (or not).
Let me speak to that last group 1st. I believe that each person who offered up self limiting beliefs for me to consider, did not offer them in a malicious way. I believe that in their own way, they were offering me what they thought was in my best interest. To protect me, to keep me from going down a path that they believed was not suited for me. In some cases, I’ve wondered if their best instincts and intentions might have been slightly influenced by their desire to ‘help me’ stay where I was vs. becoming who I might be. Again, not in a malicious way, but rather perhaps in a “I’m comfortable with where we are, who Eric is, and I fear that if he grows and goes where he might, that he won’t have room for me in his life any longer”.
So for me, it becomes about making sure that those who are incredibly important in my life know and believe that they re that important, and that regardless of what the next section of the Journey brings, that will not change. But it also becomes about me having enough belief in myself that that I step out and step up and get to work on those things that have been presenting to me.
As if to speak to this situation, a lizard of some kind sort of stopped by. I was typing away, and as I often do, I was looking at my surroundings. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw some movement and looked over to see a foot long lizard step off the curb into the driveway. He did what looked like a couple of pushups and then rolled over on his back, motionless.
Thankfully there were no cars entering or exiting at that moment because he laid there longer than seemed smart. I couldn’t look away. Part in fascination and wonder, but also wondering what the heck was going to become of this little guy.
So after several long moments, he popped up, rolled back over and scampered on his way.
I don’t think that anyone else on the patio noticed this little drama that unfolded, so as I’m prone to, I attempted to look a touch deeper to see if there was something other than a what the heck moment in this.
And of course, I cannot be 100% sure, as the little guy did not come talk to me like the Gecko from Geico might, but sometimes, things present to us to show us a reflection of things in our life.
If I assume that to be true in this case, I looked at it to see what he might have been saying.
Here’s what I came up with. After what from my view, was a mild exertion, he was exhausted… rolled over and was seemingly done. Despite the fact that he was laying in a somewhat dangerous position, given the possibility of a car rolling over him, he was not concerned. He laid there as long as he needed to, then got up and went about his business.
When I look at what I was writing at the time, and how I’ve had such resistance to sitting down and writing on any predictable schedule, when I think about how I’ve assigned the concept of ‘hard work’ to a lot of what really has just been life unfolding, there seems to be a possible parallel to the several pushups the lizard did.
So I’ve decided to take the part where he got up and scampered on his way as the message to take forward.
It’s time to get up…and get underway. No obstacles. No false beliefs of not being worthy. AS a dear friend advised me a while back… “Stop dickin’ around”.
So this is me… doing that now.
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